Band on the Rung

It was a dark and stormy night... Ah, too cliche.

It was afternoon with the SOS brigade in their clubroom. Of course, with Haruhi Suzumiya around, there was no such thing as a typical day. She and Kyon had been dating for about six months when it happened.

"Oh god I am so bored!" Haruhi said. She had just checked the website and saw the typical stuff. Most of it was mostly horny people calling for more of Mikuru in various outfits.

"Haruhi, just why do you and Mikuru pose for all those shots anyway?" Kyon asked.

"Hey, it's better than what's going on out there online." Haruhi said. "There's a bunch of Mikuru porn and yuri with Mikuru and me."

I don't want to know how you would know this, Kyon thought. Mikuru went wide-eyed and turned red as a beet with embarrassment.

"Although the Kyon-Itsuki yaois are nice..." Haruhi said. Now Kyon and Itsuki looked embarrassed.

"W-what's yaoi?" Mikuru asked, completely unprepared for the answer.

"Gay male sex." Haruhi replied flatly. Mikuru's expression clearly stated she was better off not knowing. Kyon thought he'd better take charge of things before Mikuru was hurt further.

"Could we talk about something else?" Kyon asked.

"What do you want to do today?" Itsuki asked.

"You know, our site needs a little something to punch it up. We need something special on it. Any suggestions?" Haruhi asked.

"Uh..." Kyon said.

"Maybe a song playing in the background..." Itsuki suggested.

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Haruhi said, perking up.

"So what song will you use?" Kyon asked.

"Well, I haven't written it yet!" Haruhi said, a little annoyed.

"You're writing it? Who's gonna perform it?" Kyon asked.

"I will, of course." Haruhi said, getting even more annoyed.

Uh-oh. This can't be leading in a good direction, Mikuru thought.

"Can we get some band to do it?" Itsuki asked.

"A band! Yea, that's it! We'll form a band and do it." Haruhi said. "I'll sing and play guitar, Yuki can be base, Mikuru can be on keyboards, and Itsuki can be on drums!" Haruhi said.

"What should I do?" Kyon asked.

"You can set things up for us. Now, we'll need to get some equipment for ourselves..." Haruhi started.

"Couldn't I play something?" Kyon asked. Haruhi pulled a sour face.

"Well, I guess you could..." Haruhi replied, her tone of voice indicating great annoyance.

"Uh... I don't know how to play drums." Itsuki said nervously. "I don't know if I can do this."

"I don't know how to play keyboards either." Mikiru added.

"Don't worry! You don't need talent to make it in the music biz! You just leave everything to me!" Haruhi replied. Kyon heard this: "Ah, don't worry! It'll be a disaster as usual!"

"Shouldn't we plan this out more?" Kyon asked. He knew the answer well.

"Nah. I know what I'm doing." Haruhi said.

On the inside, Mikuru was screaming her head off in terror. She heard "This is going to be bad for Mikuru." On the outside, she just merely looked nervous.

About a week later, Kyon arrived in the SOS brigade clubroom to find a bunch of musical instruments there. Itsuki was there setting up the drums, and Mikuru was setting up a keyboard.

"What in the...?" Kyon said.

"Haruhi went to get some guitar picks. She got all these instruments." Itsuki said.

How did she... Ah, I really don't want to know, Kyon thought. Haruhi then entered the picture.

"Okay, I swung a second keyboard for you." Haruhi said. Haruhi then gave Kyon a keyboard set.

"How do play this thing?" Kyon said.
"Jeez, do I have to do everything for you? Look online for that." Haruhi said. "I need some time to write a song or two." Kyon then went to the computer and searched for this information. He got several sites that showed keyboard techniques. Kyon picked one and started reading. Mikuru came up next to him and started following along.

"I... I don't know if I can do this..." Mikuru said.

"Don't worry, Mikuru-chan. I'll be here to help out." Kyon said reassuringly.

"Th-thank you." Mikuru replied. Slowly they started getting better at things.


Three days later, Mikuru was practicing on the keyboards. Her first attempt at it was, well, as well as could be expected.

"Haven't you been practicing like I asked!?" Haruhi asked.

"Well, I had a test this morning in algebra..." Mikuru said sheepishly. Haruhi wasn't amused, and pulled a face at this.

"Whatever. Just practice now." Haruhi said.

It took several weeks for most of the band to become proficient enough to record the song. It's title was "Bouken Desho Desho?" and naturally, it had Haruhi on lead. However, try as she might, Mikuru couldn't work the keyboards right. Haruhi, like Queen Victoria, was not amused.

"Mikuru! I swear, I think you're intentionally doing this!" Haruhi said.

"No..." Mikuru said sheepishly.

"Well, then you just sing. Kyon will handle the keyboards." Haruhi said. Haruhi had an eight-track recorder she "borrowed" and used it to record the song. They went one at a time with Haruhi going first. Haruhi did her performance flawlessly the first time around. Kyon, who was next, wasn't so lucky. He flubbed things a few times. Haruhi was trying to be patient with him, but of course, this didn't last long. Itsuki also had a few minor flubs in his performance, as did Mikuru. Yuki didn't make any mistakes. Haruhi then spent about two hours or so mixing and perfecting the song. When she finished, she made an MP3 of it. The next day, she embedded the MP3 in the site's main index page.

"There. Now we'll see how that works." Haruhi said. Feedback didn't come until the next day though.

"Wow! Mikuru-chan even sounds sexy! This song is great!" The first e-mail read.

"Mikuru-chan's voice sounds like an angel! She could be the next pop idol!" Another said. Haruhi was seething with anger.

"WHAT!? I worked long and hard on that song! I wrote it! I sang lead! I played guitar! How DARE they think MY voice is hers!" Haruhi said with considerable anger.

"Some people just aren't that bright." Kyon commented. Haruhi gave him the evil eye.

"What do you mean by that?" Haruhi asked, very angered.

"Well, these guys are just letting their raging hormones get the best of them. They think because Mikuru is sexy she's the one singing. You just need to put in a little note saying you're singing." Kyon said. Haruhi went and did so. Unfortunately, only a few people chose to read it. They were still getting e-mails about "Mikuru's sexy voice."

"Of all the nerve! Are these guys brainless morons or something!?" Haruhi said. She then recorded a message saying she was the writer and singer on the song, not Mikuru. She even had Mikuru agree with this. Haruhi embedded it into the site.

Two days later, the SOS brigade was in the clubroom without Itsuki. He came in with a small radio that had Bouken Desho Desho playing.

"Haruhi! Listen! They're playing our song!" Itsuki said.

"Wow... I didn't think we were that good." Kyon said. The song ended and the DJ came on.

"That was a new song found only online! It's called 'Bouken Desho Desho' and it's by Mikuru Asahina." The DJ said.

Oh boy, it's really going to hit the fan, Kyon thought.

"WHAT!? HOW DARE THEY!!" Haruhi shouted. "WHAT'S THE PHONE NUMBER TO THAT STATION!?" Haruhi got a phone book from the school and then called up the station. She got a busy signal, of course. Therefore, she sent them an e-mail about this. About an hour later, the radio station apologized to Haruhi.

"Well, we seem to have a hit on our hands. Think you can write some more songs?" Itsuki asked.

"Of course I can." Haruhi replied, her tone indicating that she was a little upset that Itsuki would doubt her ability. Haruhi then set about to do so on the computer. At that time, Kyon and Itsuki went to one side.

"Are you sure we should be encouraging this?" Kyon asked.

"I'm not about to tell her that I want out." Itsuki replied. "At least she's not making Mikuru wear some skimpy outfit."

That's true. Haruhi seems to have given up on humiliating her like that, Kyon thought.

"Well, I guess this is for the better. At least it's feeding her ego." Kyon said.

About a week later, Haruhi came back with another tune. This one was called "Hare Hare Yukai" and had them playing again. After trying the song out, Haruhi then looked Mikuru over.

"You know, you look a little static just standing there singing. You need to dance as well." Haruhi said.

"Well... Okay." Mikuru replied nervously. Although she could dance, she really didn't feel comfortable doing it in front of others. They played the song again and Mikuru tried to dance as she sang. Her dancing ended up looking like something a drunken forty-year-old Bubba-type would do. In other words, she could dance, but she knew nothing about choreography. Haruhi stepped in and showed Mikuru some of the moves she wanted her to do.

"Shake your boobs a lot. Guys like that. Relax and let your sex appeal flow." Haruhi said.

"Uh... Okay." Mikuru replied. She really didn't feel very comfortable convincing others she was TEH SMECKSY though. They tried the song again, and Mikuru was a little better.

"Hmm... Read up on choreography online." Haruhi ordered Mikuru. "You really need to work on strutting what you got."

Well, the song "Bouken Desho Desho" was going around and people were downloading the webpage so much that it soon exceeded the bandwidth. However, Haruhi had another plan to ease this: a music video. It would involve the band but she needed some kind of concept for it. Haruhi then decided on a beach scene with the band in swimwear. Haruhi set things up and they went to the shore unannounced one Sunday. Ryoko was nice enough to volunteer to work the camera for them (although truth be told, she really wanted to see Itsuki in a pair of tight swimtrunks.) Other cameras would be worked by Kounikida and Kyon's sister.


On the day of the filming, they set up. Mikuru had read some about choreography and did her best to work up a good dance for the song. However, Mikuru was not very easy with doing this. She and Kyon were at one side while the others set up. Mikuru looked very uneasy as she showed Kyon the outfit she'd have to wear for the concert. It was the sexy bikini, but it had a tear in the left breast.

"I.... Really don't think I could do well in this." Mikuru said. "I told Haruhi about the tear and she told me not to worry about it..."

"Don't worry, Mikuru. I'll talk to Haruhi about this." Kyon said. He went over to Haruhi and inquired about the bikini.

"Come on, sex sells! We're not going to get anywhere wearing Puritan frocks!" Haruhi said.

"Would you wear that in public?" Kyon asked.

"Okay, fine. I'll get another. Just finish setting up here." Haruhi said. She left and left Kyon to do the rest of it.


When Haruhi returned, everything was ready. Everyone changed into swimwear and came out of the changing rooms. Mikuru was a bit embarrassed by her small bikini, but took the stage with Haruhi and the others.

"Come on! Look happy! This is your big chance, Mikuru! Don't blow it!" Haruhi said. Mikuru forced a smile.

"O-okay..." Mikuru replied.

"Get ready everyone! We're rolling soon!" Haruhi said. (Naturally, she appointed herself director and producer.)

"All right, roll the cameras! Let's begin!" Haruhi said. "Action!" The band started playing and singing. Ryoko, Kyon's sister and Kounikida recorded everything on their digital recorders (although Ryoko tended to keep her camera focused on Itsuki's chest.) They had no problems recording it. After the song ended, they stopped the cameras.



"Well, let's try another song. Let's do Hare Hare Yukai." Haruhi said. "Roll those cameras!" The band played again and recorded the song. Once they had finished, they broke the gear down and left.

The next day after school Haruhi went and edited the digital recordings into one coherent video. When she finished, she posted the results at Youtube. Then she got into her site and linked it up to the videos.

"There. Now we'll stop getting those pesky 'buy more bandwidth' e-mails." Haruhi said. She then went into her e-mail and checked it out. Among the spam and junk was an e-mail from a record company producer. He asked Haruhi if she would like to have the band audition for a major label.

"I believe you could be the next teen sensation." The e-mail said. Haruhi thought about it for a bit, and then decided she should go for it.

"I think this will be a great chance. I'll be playing Yokohama arena in no time flat!" Haruhi said. She set up an appointment for them to come in after school one day.


When they got there, they were greeted by the secretary and asked to wait. Haruhi did so with the greatest of reluctance, and her impatience showed a lot. When the company executive came in, he greeted her and said hello.

"Man, I had to wait forever here." Haruhi commented. "Let's get the gear set up." She and the band did so, with Haruhi constantly barking out orders in the process. The executive made notes while this happened. Once they were set up, Haruhi and band played "Hare Hare Yukai" for them. The executive took more notes at this. When the band finished, the executive wrote some more.

"Well, based on my analysis, there is only one of you that could make it in this business." The executive said. The whole band thought it would be Haruhi.

If it's Haruhi, thank God. She'll be out of my hair for a bit.

"That would be the base player." The executive said. Haruhi turned purple with rage.

Oh boy, things re really going to explode now, Kyon thought.

"WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WANT ONLY YUKI!?" Haruhi screamed at the man. "I WROTE THOSE HIT SONGS!! I SANG LEAD ON THEM!! I EVEN PLAYED GUITAR!!"

"She as that special flair that we like. Your ego is too great and fragile to handle being a teen idol." The executive said. "She would make a great base player."

"EGO!? I DO NOT HAVE A HUGE EGO!!" Haruhi shouted.

"Denial? What's that?" Kyon muttered beneath his breath with great sarcasm. Haruhi shot him a dirty look.

"Well mister, it's either all of us or none of us!" Haruhi said.

"Your backup singer is like a scared jackrabbit all the time. She needs to loosen up. Your keyboard player could be replaced with a cardboard cutout and nobody would notice the difference; and your drummer... Well, he makes it all too clear he hasn't known the drums for very long. It's only Yuki we want." The executive said. Haruhi held up a fist.

"We're gonna find someone else to sign with and you're gonna regret not signing all of us!!" Haruhi said.

Well, even though Haruhi got an indie CD 5 of some of their songs released, she wasn't able to get major label backing, so distribution was limited. After a couple of weeks, everyone started having the attitude of "You've already had a hit, you has-been" when it came to them. Haruhi then broke up the band but kept the SOS brigade together.

They all lived dysfunctionally ever after.

-End-